i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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