I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
