Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
