I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
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