I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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