i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
