I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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