First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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