why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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