you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
