My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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