Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
