I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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