Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
