Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
