i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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