yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.