bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
