I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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