no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
