I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
