I feel great
I just peed on a car
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
