so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
