All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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