can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
