There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
