Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
