Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
