Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
