I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
