Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
