i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
