What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Randomize
