My hair reeks of homosexuality.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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