never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
