i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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