i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
