broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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