He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
