you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
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Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
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I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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