He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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