...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
