I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
