im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
