I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
