Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
