I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
