my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
