U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
