you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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