I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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