you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just blew my weed a kiss
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
