So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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