I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
