so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
