I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
