my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
