You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
