I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
