when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
